The Critical Eye

As a student of writing I am taught to look at things with a critical eye. I'm told to look closely at the structure and contents of a piece and determine which elements are weak, which ones should be cut, and which ones should be kept.

This serves as a great way to improve our my work as we strive to improve the quality of my writing. I can learn to see my own faults and areas where I  might stand to improve. This can be a great experience and I feel that because of this I have learned techniques that have made me better at writing.

Unfortunately this skill can be a double edged sword as I have become so used to critiquing that it has become almost second nature. This I have discovered is a talent that is not appreciated by the world at large.

Recently a close friend of mine received an opportunity to post articles on a website owned by his roommate and a friend. He seized upon this chance and is producing a series of articles for it, the first of which was posted just recently.

Now while I will say this is a close friend, and someone that I have a great deal of respect for, I discovered that I was displeased by the quality of his work. Previous to his being published on the website, he had talked with me about it and I liked his idea, and did my best to encourage him.

In my initial critique of his work I was unintentionally harsh. I pointed out some things in the piece that I had considered to be major flaws. I did this in a way that was viewed in a strongly negative manner. I did not mean to be hurtful to him, and through by blunt honesty (a trait he usually prides himself on) caused his feelings to be hurt, and for that I am deeply sorry.

The ensuing backlash of my criticism was negative and turned into a small internet disagreement between myself and a mutual friend coming to his defense. Thankfully it didn't progress much further than this, and the incident blew over fairly quickly. Still it left a bad taste in my mouth that I have not yet been able to get rid of (though some D&D and beer did help.

From this situation I have learned two things.

1. Always encourage your friend's creative work.
2. Never offer unsolicited criticism, not everybody wants my opinion,

Me. My Own, Worst Enemy

I have plenty of time to write on a daily basis, but I often make up excuses not to. I'm not sure why, I love to write, and I'd like to do so everyday. For some reason though a little voice in the back of my head keeps making up excuses for me not to do the very thing I know I want to do.

It's never a good reason either. I'll tell myself I'm too tired, or that I'll do some writing after dinner. Sometimes I manage to do this (this blog is proof of that.) but I really want to do MORE. I feel that I'm capable of doing so much more than the word scrawled on this crappy blog.

I have the desire, I have the capability. So what is stopping me from achieving my potential. Why don't I lock myself in my room, and not let myself out till I've written something of full of awesomeness? What is keeping me from writing stories, and blogs that make people actually want to read this thing?

In short. I am. There is some little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me, that I am crap, and that anything I write is complete drivel, unsuitable for public consumption. Maybe I'm right, maybe not. More than a few people have expressed enjoyment in my work (maybe I'll post some here in the future) and I've even had someone express enjoyment of this blog to me in person. So It must be of some use at least.

It's been my experience that most writers express dissatisfaction with their own work, so I know this phenomenon is not unique to me, and the rare moments that I look at something I wrote and say to myself "I like this" are almost magickal [word spelling chosen for maximum pretension]! It doesn't happen often but its nice to know that I can produce something that makes an entire writing workshop tell me I need to write a novel (a work in progress).

I've gotten off track here a bit, and I'm not really sure where this post is going. Essentially I need to kick my ass, get my shit in gear and put some fucking words on a page. That's right I swore! Take THAT v-chip! (are those still a thing?)

Looking into the Mirror / How D&D Changed my Life for the Better

Sometimes I find myself wondering what my life would be like if I'd made different choices. I don't think it's just me, I think that a lot of people do this from time to time. Most people though don't have someone in their life that is so much like them, yet so different. I on the other hand have a twin sister, and she is, in many ways my reflection.

It is an interesting experience to grow up with someone the same age as you, who was born with the same blood in their veins, and raised by the same parents. You could easily argue that this is true of all siblings, but I think it is even more true for twins, even fraternal ones. Growing up we were referred to as "the twins" and rarely was one of us mentioned, and not the other. Even being opposite genders, we were treated more or less the same.

As much as we were treated alike we were (and still are) very different people. I was always the "quiet one" while she was much more outgoing. Growing up I was the one sitting along in my room, reading a book or playing a game. She was the one on the phone for hours or off at a friends house (this phenomenon  however, is standard for teenage girls). She was always the one who was much more socially active. I had only a few friends when I was young though that changed considerably by the time I hit high school.

It was in the 7th grade that I was first exposed to role-playing games. A friend discovered his older brothers stash of Dungeons and Dragons rule books, and we thought we'd try them out. After a bit of trial and error we got the hang of it and were soon running our own adventures for each other. Initially we'd play at the town library (even got out picture in the local newspaper) and then shifted to playing at our homes on weekends. We had a lot of fun and some of my fondest childhood memories still are playing D&D in a tent in my mom's backyard.

High school is when everything began to change. Some changes for good, others..not so much. Between the changes of high school and much of my first gaming group moving away, out games ground to a halt. Luckily a good friend had introduced me to a group of people a grade above me. They played D&D (among other things) and would become my new gaming circle. We would have a lot of great adventures and it was with them that I would get my first exposure to LARPing in the form of NERO.

Meanwhile my  sister was falling into the wrong crowd, smoking, and began to experiment with drugs. At one point she was even caught smoking marijuana inside of the school. She would eventually leave our school, and go to live with our older sister, although her life didn't improve with the change in scenery.

You're probably starting to wonder how I could consider my sister's life to be reflective of my own. Well in the years before I started gaming my circle of friends was much different. The people I hung out with got into fights, lied, cheated, and even stole things. They were probably not the people my mom would have liked me to be spending my free time with. By the time we hit high school one of these early friends would show up to the bus stop stoned, or even worse get stoned at the bus stop.

If I hadn't discovered role-playing games I probably would've kept my original circle of friends and gotten myself into activities that were not nearly as wholesome as gutting orcs with longswords. Perhaps I spend too much time pondering things like this, but I can't help but want to thank D&D for keeping me out of trouble, and introducing me to a hobby that has positively impacted for almost 20 years.

So here's to another 20 years! My life will keep on moving forward, and I'll keep on rolling dice and imagining things.

Whatever happened to the flowers?

One of my friends was venting to me about her relationship troubles and suggested I write about dating. Lord  knows I could vent on for pages about the frustrations a single 30 something has out in the dating world, a world fraught with danger, and intrigue. I've done so in the past on other blogs, and in a journal I keep. I wasn't sure though that dating was the experience I really wanted to put down on paper. One I wasn't entirely sure resonated with my particular mood. The more I thought about it however, the more I realized that dating is very much something that is on my mind. I think about it quite a bit actually, and it seems inevitable that I  talk about it now.

I'm not seeing anyone at the moment, though I have a couple of prospects I'm currently feeling out (I said out not up...perv), and who knows in the near future I could very well have someone in my life..or I could just have what I have now, friends who care about me, and a mother who keeps nagging me for grandchildren.

Dating has changed significantly in the last decade. It seems that traditional dating has gone by the wayside and our impatient, instant gratification society seem dead set on killing the whole concept of romantic encounters outside of the realm of sex.

What even happened to the days when a man would show up at a woman's doorstep with flowers, and take her out to a nice dinner, and a show? How did this get replaced by sexting and booty calls? (please tell me this is not rhetorical) Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I used to always bring flowers for a woman on a first date. I didn't stop until just a couple years ago. You see for a long time (some 7ish years) I was in a relationship, and when that crashed and burned, I was scarred and tossed back into the single life. For my first few "real" dates I brought flowers. Just like I did when I was a foolish young teen. Instead of being sweet and romantic, I somehow had transitioned into being creepy. I'm not sure how this happened, but by the second first date reacting negatively to flowers, I stopped bringing them altogether. This made me sad.

Single life, it seemed, had changed..

I had been 19 when my 7 year relationship had begun and by the time it ended I was in my mid 20s and completely confused about how things worked. I had skipped the whole bar scene, and had a fairly small social circle. To sum it up, meeting people was scary. I did the best I could, but had no long term success in my endeavors. 

Eventually I would stop putting effort into meeting someone in real life, and try my hand at online dating. I had a little success, a few miserable failures, and one gigantic mistake. Online dating can be a harsh and brutal landscape. You see a lot of people, just don't act like people. I think it has something to do with the relative level of anonymity that people online have. Despite having most of your personal information on public display (and photos) people still feel they have the right to treat you online worse than they would if you'd had met in person. This isn't exclusive to dating sites, and in my opinion is part of an internet epidemic of rudeness.

You see it's very easy to ignore someones message and simply delete it, thus flushing any and all  unwanted attention down the drain with it. You see online daters can be more selective. Individuals get literally a few seconds to make enough of an impression to get someone to reply or send you a message. It is swift, brutal, and generally speaking, it sucks.

Still they say romance is a marathon, not a sprint (I don't know who says that, if nobody does I'll take the credit) and I know that somewhere there is someone for me. I don't know who she is yet, but I think that I'll know her when I meet her, or at least I hope I do. In the meantime I'll keep looking for her and hope that she is looking for me.

Who knows when I find her, maybe I'll even bring her flowers.

Words On A Page

There is nothing more exhilarating or more terrifying than looking at a blank page. Whether on a computer screen or a piece of paper, a blank page is full of possibilities. Sometimes these endless possibilities are overwhelming and filling it with words and sentences seems like a hopeless task as you struggle with each and every word. They fight and evade you with each word coming out of your head as stubbornly as an old goat.

Other times the words come easily, and you find yourself filling page after page with beautiful prose that comes so easily that you wonder if you're being given a handjob by inspiration herself. So loving she is with her touch that the..ahem words explode onto the page with unbridled ferocity.

This is what I love about writing, that excitement of not knowing what the page will say when you are finished your composition, what new adventures will dance across your page for the bewilderment of your audience. Sure I write for me. There is that moment though when someone is reading one of your works for the first time. You sit and wait, and all the while wondering what the reading is thinking and feeling. Will they laugh at the funny parts? Will they cry at the sad ones? Will they throw their arms up in disgust and toss it aside like a piece of garbage.

These reasons and more are why I love writing, I love the thrill, I love the satisfaction, and I even love the frustration. Sometimes it is a struggle to find the right words, but oh boy when you do! So I think I will keep writing, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

A Year in Review / Resolutions

A Year in Review

Last night another year ended. A years worth of challenges, excitements, and even disappointment's have come and gone. Some of the bad thing I have survived and some of the good things I have embraced and in doing so I have become a stronger (and I hope a happier) person.

I've met a few new friend's, and let some older ones slip away. Life is like that sometimes, like the tide people come into, and out of your life. Some return again when the stars are right, others are lost to memory, never to be seen again.

My year began with something of a rough start. If fact, it was probably the lowest point of my life. Like the winter solstice, I began this year in a long night, and it took some time for me to be able to see that the sun was indeed rising and that life wasn't as bad as it seemed. 

Some of the things were out of my control, others involved the difficulty I had in pushing past the hardships I had been forced to endure. Someone that I loved abandoned me, but those that I trust, remained by my side. They never gave up on me, and even though they couldn't do much, I love them all the more for it.

As the wheel kept turning life continue presenting me with new challenges. I am sad to say that I was not up to facing all of them, but I did the best I could, and even though it was a struggle, I survived. Now there is a word I use all to often when describing my life "survival." So much of my life has been spent trying to get by that at times I think that I forgot to just LIVE.

Still there was more to my life than survival this year. I continue to take classes, and work toward my degree. Last semester I did very well despite my frustrations with my one online class.

The holidays this year went much better than last. I got to see most of my family, and had a nice relaxing time.

Resolutions

I have made a few resolutions this year, one that I can hopefully keep.

1. Start a Blog: I've done blogs in the past but I feel I have more legitimate reasons for writing one now, so to help improve my writing skills I plan to post on here at least once a week.
2. Finish my Novel: I've recently started writing a novel I am calling The Unkindness of Ravens. I decided to write this after a story I wrote for class was given extremely favorable reviews and I was told that it needed to be a novel. 
3. Take Better Care of Myself: Exercise, eat better, yada yada yada... 

So this is my Blog, Hopefully it will be more interesting in the future!